If you have found yourself reading this quietly, maybe on your phone, maybe without your partner knowing, you are in a more common place than it feels.
Some people arrive at this question after a specific event. Others arrive after years of slow erosion, where nothing dramatic happened and yet something important has gone missing. Either way, the not knowing is exhausting. You may cycle between “I could do this for another twenty years” and “I cannot do this for another week,” sometimes in the same afternoon.
This article is not here to tell you what to do. It walks through why ambivalence is so hard to sit in, why regular couples counselling sometimes stalls when partners want different things, what a structured decision making process actually looks like, and what a reasonable next step might be if you are not ready to choose.
This is general information. It is not therapy, a diagnosis, or advice about your specific relationship. A counsellor can help you make sense of your own situation.
Being unsure is more common than it looks
Uncertainty about a relationship is not rare, and it is not a sign that the relationship is already over.
A nationally representative study of 3,000 married adults aged 25 to 50 found that 25 percent had thought about divorce in the previous six months, and another 28 percent had believed at some point in the past that their marriage was in serious trouble even though they were not thinking that way recently (Hawkins et al., 2017).
The same study followed people a year later, and this part matters. Thoughts about divorce were not fixed. About 31 percent of people who were thinking about divorce at the start were not thinking about it a year later. Most of those whose thinking changed moved toward softer, less serious thoughts about leaving.
None of that means your uncertainty will pass on its own, or that it should. It means uncertainty is a real state that many people live in for a while, and that it can move in more than one direction.
Leaning out and leaning in
Family therapist William Doherty described a pattern that shows up often in couples on the edge of separating. One partner is “leaning out,” seriously considering ending the relationship. The other is “leaning in,” wanting to save it. Doherty called these mixed agenda couples, because the two people walk into the room wanting different things.
This is not a fringe situation. In one study of 249 couples starting therapy, only about 64 percent shared the goal of improving the relationship. Roughly 24 percent were mixed, with one partner wanting to improve things and the other wanting to work out whether the relationship was viable at all, and about 12 percent both wanted to clarify the future rather than repair it (Owen et al., 2012, as summarized by Hardy).
If you recognize yourself in that description, notice what it means. Neither position is the wrong one. Leaning out is not cruelty, and leaning in is not weakness. They are two different honest places to be standing.
What the pattern often looks like from the inside
If you are leaning out, you may feel:
- Guilty for wanting something you are not sure you are allowed to want
- Worn down by trying, and unconvinced that more trying will change anything
- Pressured every time your partner asks whether you are staying
- Unable to be honest about your doubts without setting off a crisis
If you are leaning in, you may feel:
- Frightened by every silence and every short answer
- Desperate to fix things quickly, before it is too late
- Confused about what changed, or when
- Exhausted by pursuing someone who keeps stepping back
Both experiences are painful. They also tend to feed each other. The more one partner pursues, the more the other withdraws, and the more the other withdraws, the more the first pursues. This is the same pursue and withdraw cycle that shows up in ordinary relationship conflict, but with much higher stakes.
Why standard couples counselling can stall here
Most well researched couples therapy approaches assume that both partners want to work on the relationship. That assumption sits underneath emotionally focused therapy, behavioural couples therapy, and other established models.
When one partner is seriously leaning out, that assumption does not hold, and a few things tend to happen:
- The leaning out partner attends but does not fully engage, because engaging feels like a commitment they have not made
- The leaning in partner works hard, hopes hard, and feels betrayed when the effort does not land
- The couple attends a handful of sessions, does not see change, and concludes that therapy does not work
- The therapy itself becomes another piece of evidence in the argument about whether to stay
Doherty’s point was not that couples therapy is ineffective. It is that half hearted couples therapy, started before one person has decided whether they want to be in it, can quietly close a door that a slower process might have left open.
If you are more broadly wondering whether relationship therapy helps at all, our article on whether couples counselling actually works looks at what the research says.
What discernment work is, and what it is not
Discernment counselling is a specific short term protocol developed by Doherty and colleagues for exactly this situation. It is worth understanding, whether or not you end up doing it formally.
The essential features:
It is not couples therapy. This is stated clearly at the start. The goal is not to repair the relationship. The goal is clarity and confidence about a direction.
It is short. Usually one to five sessions, with a longer first session and shorter ones after that. Either partner can stop at any point.
Much of the work happens separately. The counsellor meets with each partner one to one within the session, then brings them back together briefly to share what they took from it. It is still a process the couple goes through together, and it is not individual therapy for two people.
Each partner works on something different. The leaning out partner is helped to look at what has happened, how serious the problems really are, and their own part in them. The leaning in partner is helped to understand their partner’s view, to cope through the crisis, and to avoid the pursuing, threatening, or scolding that tends to make things worse.
Three paths are named at the start. Doherty and colleagues describe them as: keep things as they are for now, move toward a respectful separation or divorce, or commit to a defined period of couples therapy, often around six months, with the separation decision off the table during that time. That third path is not a promise to stay forever. It is an agreement to try the work properly and then decide.
Naming all three paths openly is part of what makes the process work. The leaning out partner is not being managed toward staying, and the leaning in partner is not being managed toward leaving.
What the research shows about outcomes
The evidence base here is smaller than for established couples therapy models, and it should be described honestly.
The main published outcome data comes from the first 100 couples who went through discernment counselling in the Minnesota Couples on the Brink Project (Doherty, Harris and Wilde, 2016). At the end of the process:
- About 47 percent chose to pursue reconciliation through couples therapy
- About 41 percent moved toward separation or divorce
- About 12 percent chose to hold the decision where it was for now
Follow up at an average of roughly 28 months found that of those who had chosen the couples therapy path, about 36 percent had reconciled, while a substantial portion had divorced or were in the process. Of those who had chosen divorce, most followed through.
Two honest caveats. First, this was not a controlled trial with a comparison group, so it does not show that discernment counselling caused those outcomes. Second, the sample was made up of severely distressed couples, many of whom had already tried therapy without success, and about half of whom had already contacted a lawyer.
What the numbers do suggest is that the process did not funnel everyone toward one answer. Couples were fairly evenly split between reconciling and separating, which is what you would expect if genuine discernment was happening rather than persuasion. The stated goal was never to save every marriage. It was to help each person understand their situation well enough to choose with some confidence.
Signs you may be in this place
You do not need all of these. Any of them may be worth paying attention to.
- One of you has said the word separation out loud and the other is trying not to hear it
- You are researching therapists and lawyers in the same week
- You have been to couples counselling and it went nowhere, and neither of you can quite say why
- One of you keeps asking “are you staying?” and the other keeps saying “I don’t know”
- You have privately imagined your life apart in some detail
- You feel you have to hide your doubts to keep the peace
- You have been waiting for something to make the decision for you
That last one is worth sitting with. Waiting is itself a choice, and it usually costs both people something.
When counselling together is not the right first step
Some situations call for individual support and safety planning rather than working on the relationship in the same room.
Researchers who study intimate partner violence distinguish between different patterns, including coercive controlling violence, where one partner uses fear, intimidation, and control over the other (Kelly and Johnson, 2008). Where that pattern is present, meeting together is generally not recommended, because honest disclosure in a joint session can put someone at risk afterward.
Please speak to a counsellor individually, rather than as a couple, if any of the following are true:
- You are afraid of your partner, or afraid of how they will react to what you say
- You feel controlled, monitored, isolated from other people, or financially trapped
- There has been physical violence, threats, or sexual coercion
- You would need to hide from your partner that you are getting support
If you are in immediate danger or at risk of harming yourself or someone else, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency department. If you are in Canada and need urgent mental health crisis support, call or text 988. In British Columbia, VictimLinkBC offers confidential support for people affected by family or sexual violence at 1 800 563 0808, by phone or text, 24 hours a day.
If you are the one leaning out
A few things tend to help, whichever way you eventually go.
Try to separate the question “am I still in love right now” from the question “is this relationship workable.” Those feel like the same question when you are exhausted, and they are not.
Look at your own contribution, not as an exercise in blame, but because it is the only part you control. People who do this often report feeling more hopeful afterward, not less, because they find something they can actually change.
Be as honest as you can manage about where you are. Staying vague to avoid hurting your partner usually prolongs the pain for both of you.
If you are the one leaning in
Pursuing harder is understandable and it usually backfires. Pressing for reassurance, monitoring, threatening, or bringing family members in tends to confirm the very thing your partner is worried about.
Ask yourself whether you understand your partner’s account of the problems well enough to repeat it back to them without arguing. If not, that is useful work in itself.
Take care of yourself through this. That is not giving up. It is what makes it possible to stay steady long enough for a real conversation to happen.
You are also allowed to get support on your own. Individual counselling can be a good place to sort through your own thinking, whether or not your partner ever joins you.
How Sojourn can help
Our counsellors work with couples where the two of you want different things and a decision has not been made. That situation is familiar to us, and it does not disqualify you from getting support.
Several of the approaches our counsellors use are well suited to this kind of impasse. Emotionally focused therapy is an attachment based approach that pays close attention to the pursue and withdraw cycle underneath it, which often has to settle before either of you can think clearly. Gottman Method couples therapy and family systems approaches can help you see the pattern between you rather than the case against each other. Work like this frequently gives couples a clearer read on what is actually workable, which is part of what people are looking for when they are weighing whether to stay.
The goal is not to talk you into a particular outcome. It is to help you understand your situation well enough to choose with some confidence, whichever way you go.
If you are not sure whether to book together or separately, either is a reasonable place to start. It is common for one partner to begin on their own, clarify what they want, and for the other to join later. Sessions are available in person in Cloverdale, Surrey, and online across British Columbia.
If cost is part of what is holding you back, low cost counselling with supervised intern counsellors is available at a reduced fee.
Related services
- Couples counselling in Surrey
- Emotionally focused therapy
- Gottman Method couples therapy
- Individual counselling
- Online therapy across BC
- Low cost counselling
Frequently asked questions
Is discernment counselling the same as couples therapy?
No. Couples therapy works on changing the relationship. Discernment counselling works on deciding what to do next. The people who developed it are clear that this distinction is explained to couples at the very start, because starting therapy that one partner has not really agreed to tends to go badly.
Can I come on my own if my partner will not come?
Yes. Many people begin individually to sort out their own thinking, and some partners join later once they understand what sessions actually involve. Individual sessions can also be the safer choice if you are afraid of your partner’s reaction.
Does wanting to leave mean the relationship is already over?
Not necessarily. Research following married adults over a year found that thinking about divorce is common and often changes over time, with many people moving toward softer thinking rather than firmer (Hawkins et al., 2017). That is not a prediction about your relationship. It is a reason not to treat a current thought as a final verdict.
How long does this kind of process take?
The discernment protocol is designed to be short, usually one to five sessions. If you and your counsellor decide to move into couples therapy instead, that is a longer piece of work, often several months. Our article on what happens at couples counselling describes how sessions are usually structured.
What if we have already tried counselling and it did not help?
That is common among couples in this situation, and it is sometimes explained by the mixed agenda problem rather than by therapy failing. If one of you was not fully in it, the work had little chance. It may be worth naming that honestly with a new counsellor before starting again.
Is any of this covered by insurance?
Sessions with a Registered Clinical Counsellor may be covered by some extended health plans, though coverage varies by provider. You can review each counsellor’s fees on JaneApp before booking, and receipts are provided for reimbursement.
A next step that does not require a decision
You do not have to know what you want in order to talk to someone. That is the whole point of a discernment approach: it treats not knowing as a legitimate place to start rather than a problem to be solved before you are allowed through the door.
If you would like to talk this through, you can view therapist profiles and availability and book online. Couples and individual appointments are both available, in person in Surrey and online across BC.
If you are not sure who to book with, or whether to book together or separately, contact us or answer a few questions and we will suggest counsellors who may fit. There is no obligation to decide anything before you come.
References
- Hawkins, A. J., Galovan, A. M., Harris, S. M., Allen, S. E., Allen, S. M., Roberts, K. M., and Schramm, D. G. (2017). What are they thinking? A national sample study of stability and change in divorce ideation. Family Process, 56, 852 to 868.
- Doherty, W. J., Harris, S. M., and Wilde, J. L. (2016). Discernment counseling for “mixed agenda” couples. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.
- Hardy, N. R. Discernment counseling: treating couples unsure about continuing their marriage. Clinical Science Insights, The Family Institute at Northwestern University.
- Owen, J., Duncan, B., Anker, M., and Sparks, J. (2012). Initial relationship goal and couple therapy outcomes at post and six month follow up. Journal of Family Psychology, 26(2), 179.
- Kelly, J. B., and Johnson, M. P. (2008). Differentiation among types of intimate partner violence: research update and implications for interventions. Family Court Review, 46(3).
- Province of British Columbia. VictimLinkBC.
