Clinically reviewed by Jonathan Wieser, MA MFT, RCC, RMFT, Approved Clinical Supervisor. Last reviewed: August 2026.
This question usually arrives with a lot riding on it. One partner has suggested counselling, or a friend has, or things have reached a point where doing nothing no longer feels possible. Underneath it is often a quieter question: if I say what is actually happening in that room, what happens to me afterwards?
That question deserves a straight answer.
The short answer
Where one partner is afraid of the other, or where openness has been used against them, couples counselling is usually not the right place to start. That is a statement about what the method requires, not a judgment about anyone’s relationship. Individual counselling is generally the better starting point, and couples work can follow later if and when it becomes appropriate.
This is not a fringe view. Emotionally focused therapy is one of the best evidenced couples approaches available, and its own model sets ongoing abuse or violence outside what it is designed to treat.
What couples counselling actually asks of people
Couples work is not primarily about learning better communication techniques. Most approaches, including emotionally focused therapy, work by helping each partner say the more vulnerable thing underneath the argument, the fear, the hurt, the need they have stopped voicing, and by helping the other person respond to it.
That process depends on one condition: that being open is reasonably safe. What is said in the room should not be usable against you in the car on the way home, or three weeks later.
Why that becomes a problem
When one person is afraid of the other, the same process works against them in three specific ways.
Honesty carries a cost. If naming a grievance has historically led to consequences, then a therapist inviting you to name it is asking you to take a risk they may not be able to see. Many people manage this by saying the safe version, which means the session is working from an account that is not quite true.
The room can be used. In a relationship organised around control, a counselling session is another setting in which that can happen, through what gets disclosed, how it is reframed afterwards, or by the fact of attending being offered as proof that everything is fine.
Shared responsibility can distort. Couples work often looks at the cycle both people are caught in, and that framing is genuinely useful in most relationships. Where one person has been systematically undermined, a frame that distributes responsibility evenly can echo what they have already been told about their part in it. If a repeating cycle with no fear in it is what you recognise, why the same argument keeps happening describes that pattern and it is a different situation from this one.
What not right now does not mean
It does not mean nobody will help you. It does not mean your relationship has been judged and written off. It does not mean the two of you will never do couples work.
It means starting somewhere that does not require you to be vulnerable in front of the person you are guarded around. Sequence, not refusal.
What we usually suggest instead
Individual counselling first. Individual counselling gives you a space where nothing you say has to be managed afterwards. For many people the early work is not about deciding anything, it is about getting a clear view of your own experience, which tends to be exactly what has been eroded. Where the pattern has been long and relational, complex trauma therapy and attachment trauma therapy are the relevant approaches, and emotionally focused individual therapy brings the same attachment lens to one person rather than two.
Couples work later, if it fits. If circumstances change, if the behaviour stops, if both people are doing their own work, if being honest in the room stops carrying a cost, couples counselling can become appropriate. Plenty of couples get there. It is a question of order.
Support that does not require a decision. You can start counselling while still in the relationship and without any plan to leave. If you are weighing that question, should I stay or should I go sits with the ambivalence rather than pushing it one way.
If you are not sure this applies to you
Many people reading this will not be certain the word abuse fits, and will be reluctant to claim it. You do not need to.
A more practical version of the question: if I said the honest thing in that room, would there be a cost afterwards? If the answer is yes, or if you had to think about it, individual counselling is the safer starting point regardless of what the pattern is called. If you are trying to work out where your relationship sits, is it emotional abuse or a difficult relationship goes through that question in more detail.
If you are the one worried about your own behaviour
Some people read a page like this and recognise themselves in it. That is difficult, and it is also where change starts.
Individual counselling is the right setting for that work rather than couples sessions, for the same reason in reverse: the work is yours to do, and doing it in front of the person affected by it puts them in a position they should not have to hold. It can be raised directly with a counsellor at the first session. You will not be turned away for saying it.
How to raise it when you book
You do not need the right words, and you do not need to lay out the whole history.
If you are booking couples counselling and any of this is on your mind, say so, by email beforehand if that is easier, or to the counsellor at the start. I am not sure couples counselling is the right fit for us, and I would like to talk about that first is enough. Our couples counsellors will raise this themselves if it comes up, and may suggest starting individually. That is a normal part of the work rather than a bad outcome.
If it is safer to have the conversation on your own first, book an individual session and raise it there.
Booking
You can view our counsellors’ profiles and book online. Sojourn offers individual and couples counselling in person in Cloverdale, Surrey, and online across British Columbia. All of our counsellors are Registered Clinical Counsellors or supervised associates. If you are not sure who to book with, contact us and we will help you find a fit.
If you are in immediate danger, call 911. VictimLinkBC provides confidential, multilingual support 24 hours a day across BC by phone or text at 1-800-563-0808. Counselling supports recovery; it is not a substitute for safety planning, and the two can happen at the same time.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can we do couples counselling if there has been emotional abuse?
Usually not as the starting point. Where one partner is afraid of the other, or where being open has been used against them, couples work asks for a vulnerability that is not safe to give. Individual counselling is generally the better place to begin, and couples work can follow later if circumstances change. This reflects what the couples therapy models themselves recommend.
Why would a counsellor decline to see us as a couple?
It is about the method rather than a judgment on your relationship. Couples therapy works by helping both people speak more openly to each other, and that process depends on the room being safe for both. Where it is not, the sessions can do harm rather than help. A counsellor suggesting individual work first is applying the approach properly, not turning you away.
What if I am not sure whether it counts as abuse?
You do not need to settle that before booking. A more practical question is whether saying the honest thing in a joint session would carry a cost afterwards. If the answer is yes, or if you had to think about it, starting individually is the safer choice whatever the pattern is called.
Can we start individually and move to couples counselling later?
Yes, and this is a common path. Individual work can build enough stability and clarity that joint sessions become useful and safe. Whether the same counsellor takes on the couples work depends on the situation and is worth discussing directly, since seeing someone individually first can affect how they can work with you as a couple.
